Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged....

I have almost fully embraced the uncertainty of enjoying the presence of an individual who remains a stranger in all but one sphere of interaction, and perhaps most harrowing: actually conveying this to the person both by word and deed…allowing him to survey with great clarity everything that arises within me when we are in the midst of sharing closeness. It is incredibly liberating to be honest in this way. And one can truly rest in this honesty and allow it to heal, and finding that it cultivates the strength to continue to allow oneself to be seen.

It is quite comical to reflect on my previous patterns of thought and emotion and subsequent behavior. How much mental anguish I had subjected myself to; how much suffering I had constructed under the auspices of analysis.

For now, I feel an underlying sense of equanimity when I ponder our situation, which brings me great happiness. At last, the flow without the ebb.

The Ascent

I have had a breakthrough...in the sense that a cascade of insights has truly motivated real action, not simply generated curious longing.

I have found that I can have a calmer outlook on things and critique and evaluate my stream of thoughts from a neutral and dispassionate perspective, with surprising consistency.

This could be attributed both to conscious mental work and a normalization of what I believe to be monthly fluctuations of hormones that tend to turn into week-long episodes.

I do find that I start to get anxious or more impatient various times throughout the day and I almost let these moments trigger action. Because I had grown so accustomed to being at the whims of these moods and their prodding, I would fail to prevent them from instigating behavior which I wished to avoid completely (when thinking rationally).

It takes willpower, rigorous repetition, coolness, relaxed logic and a bit of distraction in order to stop streams of thought from becoming uncontrollable and taking root in emotions.

It is easy to get hopelessly lost in these flare-ups that occur when mere musings progress into “facts” and attach themselves to explosive and vulnerable emotions.

It appears to be an uphill battle, constantly at war with my own mind.

the battle rages on...

He is an intoxicating mix of passion and masculinity that lingers on the brink of aggressiveness, at once both frightening in its unpredictable volatility and deliciously arousing in the submission it commands.

Yet, I could start a collection of vacuous men with fit bodies...the truly worthy endeavor comes in seeking one as equally, if not more, introspective and insatiably inquisitive as myself...which is becoming an increasingly difficult, if not impossible prospect.

They seem to be rare indeed, but I suppose nothing worthwhile is ever easily obtained.

Noam Chomsky debates Michel Foucault

"In the intellectual domain one is faced with the uncertainties that you pose. Our concept of human nature is limited, partial, socially conditioned, constrained by our own character defects, and the limitations of the intellectual culture in which we exist, yet at the same time it is of critical importance that we have some direction, that we know what impossible goals we’re trying to achieve if we hope to achieve some of the possible goals, we have to be bold enough to speculate and create social theories on the basis of partial knowledge while remaining open to the possiblity that in some respects we are way off the mark."

before any action or thought initiates, a collection of neurons in the brain fire...

Last night amidst stoned deliberations, I started to expand my understanding of the meaning I am searching for. It started with the question of free will, if we are not free to make our own choices, if we are being governed at an undetectable level, who or what is doing the governing? It was this question that led to an analysis of our components, starting externally and ultimately leading to infinitely smaller elements, which in turn lead to infinitely larger possibilities, reaching the endless expanse of space. As everything gives way to everything else, in an intricate sequence, one starts to see not exactly the “triviality” of human existence, but its representation in the totality of the chain, its miniscule role, its lack of true reality, arguably illusive. Although it is vital it is only so because of the sum of its parts, it is neither less nor more important than everything else alongside it.

a violent, dangerous curiosity for an undiscovered world flames up and flickers in all the senses

I refused a promotion this week, instead replying that I would be quitting in 5 months. I still can’t help but consider the repercussion of this. It truly was a great opportunity. I would obtain incredible experience and confidence that I could carry with me to different fields. Yet I saw this as a lasso, I had decided upon my deadline when this was offered and felt that if I accepted I could easily fall into a slippery slope of endless postponements. I would fall into this cycle of working, buying, paying. My career serving only the purpose of cushioning my life with possessions, and reinforcing their “value” and “necessity” in my life. Biding my time until I would inevitably pursue a husband and children as the next logical step in my progression into adulthood. Bringing to fruition all of the lifestyle choices I adamantly opposed, since my adolescence.

But the way I see it, I’m young and if I received this offer now, and have always been able to obtain the things that I have aimed to, I will always have opportunities in what I endeavor.

I have to listen to the restlessness, and also to the apathy that sets in, notice how quickly and quietly time slips by when enmeshed in mundane concerns

Nothing should change what I yearn for so deeply, what has driven me to do such irrational yet incredibly rewarding things since my teenage years, the very same urges that brought me to this moment in the first place.

If I have to struggle to live what I want, then so be it, I refuse to take the comfortable route, for all of its perks…I’ve never made the safe choices. The fact is, all of these choices, no matter how much they went against commonsense or my parent’s wishes, all ended up providing me with the best experiences of my life.

I grew as a person in every way possible, I learned and remained hungry for information and for experiences, I discovered many things I liked about myself, and many more that needed to be remolded

It was during these phases of my life that although tumultuous, were the most fruitful.

A title, a pay raise and authority over others will never provide me with everything that I was given during those “reckless” and “immature” years.

I think deep down, no matter how much I vacillate about my decisions, no matter how much the conversations in my mind border on doubt; how many times the “adult” voice in my head begs me to be prudent, I truly do have faith in myself. If I ever want for anything, I will obtain it, if I ever wish to do anything, I will achieve it.

I live with the unflappable optimism that everything will work out, and things will happen as they should. And with the assurance that no matter what happens I can always come back and start from square one, with the support of my family and friends.

Whether this is the gift of youth or a feature of a naïve unstable mind, I treasure it.

It has made my life truly something to behold, it has given it so much value that although I fear the stark permanence of death, I can pass away at any moment knowing I made the most of it by never taking the rational path and following my heart, no matter how crazy or impossible its demands.