I refused a promotion this week, instead replying that I would be quitting in 5 months. I still can’t help but consider the repercussion of this. It truly was a great opportunity. I would obtain incredible experience and confidence that I could carry with me to different fields. Yet I saw this as a lasso, I had decided upon my deadline when this was offered and felt that if I accepted I could easily fall into a slippery slope of endless postponements. I would fall into this cycle of working, buying, paying. My career serving only the purpose of cushioning my life with possessions, and reinforcing their “value” and “necessity” in my life. Biding my time until I would inevitably pursue a husband and children as the next logical step in my progression into adulthood. Bringing to fruition all of the lifestyle choices I adamantly opposed, since my adolescence.
But the way I see it, I’m young and if I received this offer now, and have always been able to obtain the things that I have aimed to, I will always have opportunities in what I endeavor.
I have to listen to the restlessness, and also to the apathy that sets in, notice how quickly and quietly time slips by when enmeshed in mundane concerns
Nothing should change what I yearn for so deeply, what has driven me to do such irrational yet incredibly rewarding things since my teenage years, the very same urges that brought me to this moment in the first place.
If I have to struggle to live what I want, then so be it, I refuse to take the comfortable route, for all of its perks…I’ve never made the safe choices. The fact is, all of these choices, no matter how much they went against commonsense or my parent’s wishes, all ended up providing me with the best experiences of my life.
I grew as a person in every way possible, I learned and remained hungry for information and for experiences, I discovered many things I liked about myself, and many more that needed to be remolded
It was during these phases of my life that although tumultuous, were the most fruitful.
A title, a pay raise and authority over others will never provide me with everything that I was given during those “reckless” and “immature” years.
I think deep down, no matter how much I vacillate about my decisions, no matter how much the conversations in my mind border on doubt; how many times the “adult” voice in my head begs me to be prudent, I truly do have faith in myself. If I ever want for anything, I will obtain it, if I ever wish to do anything, I will achieve it.
I live with the unflappable optimism that everything will work out, and things will happen as they should. And with the assurance that no matter what happens I can always come back and start from square one, with the support of my family and friends.
Whether this is the gift of youth or a feature of a naïve unstable mind, I treasure it.
It has made my life truly something to behold, it has given it so much value that although I fear the stark permanence of death, I can pass away at any moment knowing I made the most of it by never taking the rational path and following my heart, no matter how crazy or impossible its demands.
