It sounds extremely smug but I know I am destined for greatness.

Unfortunately, I am in a constant state of feeling torn.
It’s almost like this dead end that I know is there, and that I have to reach but the question of how is unnerving; looming over my head like a guillotine.

I am uncertain of which path to take, hoping that it will work itself out, or at least reveal itself on its own, because every action I take implies catastrophic consequences.
And I never know if I’ve chosen correctly.

Everything has sailed smoothly thus far.
But I can’t escape the feeling that I am approaching a crossroads,
and some time, very soon, I will have to unveil some kind of strategy; formulate a plan of attack.

It’s exhausting work.
For most of my existence I’ve managed to ignore it and instead immerse myself in corporal pleasures, under the pretext that it makes me happy.

This is perhaps where all of this “party girl” business fits in.
It offends me to be called a “party girl.”
I do not consider myself, by any stretch of the imagination, a Lindsay Lohan clone.
While she has done some things which can universally be classified as “mistakes” I feel like my actions have never been missteps.
Instead, they are pieces of a larger scheme; lessons to prepare me for what is to come.
Everything that normal people would label regretful, I identify as tests: growth.

Which means that I am not a “party girl.”
I am simply an adventurer, picking up little strands of wisdom from varied experiences,
A truth-seeker, lover and warrior if you will.

Even so, I learned in Catholic school that a couple saints used to be quite the big party people themselves
But none of that matters, it even makes them a better saint to have reformed in such a manner
Because maybe when you reach the pinnacle of your existence; the climax of your journey, everything prior to that moment either becomes irrelevant or (hopefully not) of critical importance

If it even is a moment,
maybe the culmination of your life’s journey is a decade, or two
Or maybe it’s your death.

But either way, I know it is not occurring now or anytime soon.
So I feel like right now I’m scrambling to sort everything out, to reach that point

It’s quite stressful dealing with this unexplainable pressure (that has been there since I could remember)

At least Jesus had a sense of some defined course of action.
Granted he knew the time and manner in which his death would occur, but this afforded him the ability to plan accordingly.
Which I view as somewhat of a luxury.
I’d imagine having knowledge of one’s own demise would make everything much more clear,
every decision much more deliberate.

I feel solidarity with the guy, considering we were both born to satisfy a very specific purpose (albeit his is of slightly greater significance, considering he is the son of god and all) but the difference is he knew what his was.
He was briefed on every detail.
To some extent I would like to be as well.
But for now I will just take a page out of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle:
“The universe tends to unfold as it should”

This entry is about my newfound understanding of resentment towards the West.
The more I learn the more I analyze the ways in which we are brought up to think.
I can bet there is a large percentage of people out there who would say that Middle Eastern and Central Asian people hate us because of the preeminence of our consumerist-driven culture; in other words because of things like McDonalds. They more or less see us as substance-lacking heathens: no values or morals, no traditions, no respect, and most importantly no significant history. The U.S. really is a baby. There are sidewalks in Portugal older than this country. We are a big giant heathen baby running the world.

Now, the above partially explains why non-Westerners (and France) think we’re douche bags. But the West as a whole (which from this point on I am referring to the U.S. and Europe only) has played a part in the emergence of today’s conflicts. I’m not that far into the books I’m reading, but I can’t help but become a little annoyed at some facts. (To some extent, we all know that our country has done some shady shit, but it’s disheartening to read proof of it, right there in black and white)
It seems that for years and years and years the West has been making promises to less powerful and developed countries, and breaking them without so much as a second thought. The West (yes even fruitcake France) has occupied and divided up lands at whim. It has misled populations to achieve its own ends. People trusted the West to help or protect them, or at least live up to its end of the deal. But unless their plight somehow fit into the overall scheme, they were pushed aside and left to fend for themselves. And worst of all, the West continues to play its game of strategy. The West’s foreign policy is “what’s in it for me?” policy.
But times are a-changin
So as I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, today we are interdependent. Yet the “every man for himself” mentality hasn’t changed (or should I say, every state for itself).
The West is still spouting hopeful rhetoric and making hollow commitments.
No wonder people feel so betrayed. No wonder people are bitter. No wonder entire populations hate us, or at least dislike us intensely.
I guess the level of resentment depends on whether the West is showering the aggrieved with empty words or with bullets.

But I can understand how deeply rooted this hatred is. We dismiss it as a backlash against our superpower status; against our take-charge, recreation-loving, money-grubbing society.

It’s because of this that no matter how many buildings are bombed we will never see it as anything other than irrational aggression from some bearded freak.

I am not justifying terrorism in any way. But our overall perception is the basis for why we think we can stop terrorism with military force.
It’s much too complex, and frankly, rather puzzling.

I don’t think we’ll ever really be able to pinpoint why it is people want to kill us or how to stop them. Every human being has formed their own opinion of the West. We’d like to think those less partial to us are misguided, but maybe it’s we who are wearing rosy-colored pro-West sunglasses.