before any action or thought initiates, a collection of neurons in the brain fire...

Last night amidst stoned deliberations, I started to expand my understanding of the meaning I am searching for. It started with the question of free will, if we are not free to make our own choices, if we are being governed at an undetectable level, who or what is doing the governing? It was this question that led to an analysis of our components, starting externally and ultimately leading to infinitely smaller elements, which in turn lead to infinitely larger possibilities, reaching the endless expanse of space. As everything gives way to everything else, in an intricate sequence, one starts to see not exactly the “triviality” of human existence, but its representation in the totality of the chain, its miniscule role, its lack of true reality, arguably illusive. Although it is vital it is only so because of the sum of its parts, it is neither less nor more important than everything else alongside it.

a violent, dangerous curiosity for an undiscovered world flames up and flickers in all the senses

I refused a promotion this week, instead replying that I would be quitting in 5 months. I still can’t help but consider the repercussion of this. It truly was a great opportunity. I would obtain incredible experience and confidence that I could carry with me to different fields. Yet I saw this as a lasso, I had decided upon my deadline when this was offered and felt that if I accepted I could easily fall into a slippery slope of endless postponements. I would fall into this cycle of working, buying, paying. My career serving only the purpose of cushioning my life with possessions, and reinforcing their “value” and “necessity” in my life. Biding my time until I would inevitably pursue a husband and children as the next logical step in my progression into adulthood. Bringing to fruition all of the lifestyle choices I adamantly opposed, since my adolescence.

But the way I see it, I’m young and if I received this offer now, and have always been able to obtain the things that I have aimed to, I will always have opportunities in what I endeavor.

I have to listen to the restlessness, and also to the apathy that sets in, notice how quickly and quietly time slips by when enmeshed in mundane concerns

Nothing should change what I yearn for so deeply, what has driven me to do such irrational yet incredibly rewarding things since my teenage years, the very same urges that brought me to this moment in the first place.

If I have to struggle to live what I want, then so be it, I refuse to take the comfortable route, for all of its perks…I’ve never made the safe choices. The fact is, all of these choices, no matter how much they went against commonsense or my parent’s wishes, all ended up providing me with the best experiences of my life.

I grew as a person in every way possible, I learned and remained hungry for information and for experiences, I discovered many things I liked about myself, and many more that needed to be remolded

It was during these phases of my life that although tumultuous, were the most fruitful.

A title, a pay raise and authority over others will never provide me with everything that I was given during those “reckless” and “immature” years.

I think deep down, no matter how much I vacillate about my decisions, no matter how much the conversations in my mind border on doubt; how many times the “adult” voice in my head begs me to be prudent, I truly do have faith in myself. If I ever want for anything, I will obtain it, if I ever wish to do anything, I will achieve it.

I live with the unflappable optimism that everything will work out, and things will happen as they should. And with the assurance that no matter what happens I can always come back and start from square one, with the support of my family and friends.

Whether this is the gift of youth or a feature of a naïve unstable mind, I treasure it.

It has made my life truly something to behold, it has given it so much value that although I fear the stark permanence of death, I can pass away at any moment knowing I made the most of it by never taking the rational path and following my heart, no matter how crazy or impossible its demands.

la vida es como la espuma, por eso hay que darse como el mar

I had resigned myself to thinking that because the breadth of my experience with the opposite sex had been something so disenchanting and disparaging that all encounters would be like this.

Although there has yet to be any indication that this is untrue, I do now subscribe to the belief that a true counterpart does exist in this world, at least in terms of intellectual and spiritual attainment. I realized that my strategy of manipulation as a means of control was fatally flawed and misleading; because no matter my comportment, the individual would remain the same…it was just a matter of framing things in my favor despite the reality of the situation.

Perhaps it was more a mechanism to mask my vulnerabilities, making me more comfortable with being so exposed. This developed because I became accustomed to not being truly “seen” or listened to, and this was a point of deep sadness. In fact it remains one, and while I think to some extent a worthy man can rectify this, it will always be the eternal caveat of physical beauty. Even in instances where the man feels great intrigue and wishes nothing more than to learn everything about you, it is only ever spurred by how enamored he has become with the apparition before him. He failed before he began. And either way he would be selective in what he accepts, arranging your characteristics to complement the deity he has designed in your likeness.

But there exists a glimmer of optimism in my recognition of the above. I dismissed all the useless and ridiculous and ultimately illusory requirements, reducing them down to one: I desire a person that I feel respect for.

What this will manifest as, only time will tell.

the battle to live mindful awareness

I think the constraints placed on “daily life” on “living a normal life” mean we resign ourselves to setting an agenda, to being submissive to time

We set our goals for the future and from the point they are set until they actively come to fruition, we simulate a waiting period

Thus it is only in our mentally busy nature that we take this so called waiting period for granted, that we devalue it, even though the moment is no less worthy, just different

Seemingly routine because we make it so

It is dismaying to exist in this manner, to lose control of our conscious existence to some simulation

Even now, I employ a thesaurus, in an attempt to capture what it is my mind is trying to convey, as if a different amalgamation of letters would ever match or come close to matching the truth

Alas, am I forever doomed to inhabit a world of phraseology

Arab Spring

The so-called "Domino Effect" that I thought was a figment of the imagination of all political scientists has started to topple the most deeply entrenched regimes of the Middle East.

And while America (albeit somewhat hesitantly seeing as how we are chummy with some of these fellows) supported these mini-revolutions, I honestly do not care either way.

To me, the stagnant and oppressive states of these countries is owed only to a fatal flaw in their mentality, be it Arab, Persian, Kurdish, Berber and so on.

No matter the country or specific culture, the way they think is so collectively entrenched that their behavior, how they view themselves and the world and most importantly how they relate to other people will never change, no matter how many Egyptian youths show up at Tahrir square clammoring for revolution.

The spread of technology and Western culture did not make the area any more liberal or open, instead the actions they condem us for have become much easier to commit but driven much deeper into the shadows. Their streets are tense and oppressive, and none of that has to do with their head of state.

But Mubarak did become the focus of their pent-up anger, of a deep bitterness at the state of their lives and their inexistent prospects for the future.

I am no Mubarak expert but I am well aware of his human rights record, and had to simply meander around Cairo to see how much the Musr quality of life has suffered under his rule.

The high rate of unemployment is evident in the countless numbers of men lazing about and homeless wandering the streets.

The city's infrastructure is dilapidated and enormous heaps of trash in the middle of bustling avenues are commonplace.

Ousting him is the most logical action I have seen any Egyptian take, yet why did it take so long?

And what comes next?

love is all you need

It's been so so long.

What have I learned in the past year? What is my current state of mind?

I learned what love truly is.

Despite what our culture says, it's quite common, irrational and holds a desperate grip on ones emotions and judgement, completely distorting the thinking process.

Indeed brain scans of individuals in love have been shown to be similar to those of patients suffering from mental illness. Other studies have shown how those in love exhibit extreme behaviors and fixations like sufferers of obsessive compulsive disorder.

Thus, the core of who you are is so buried underneath all of this lunacy that living in this love becomes your only avenue for "happiness."

Yet I struggle to imagine any other means of safely and efficiently raising a family other than love and monogamy.

Perhaps procreation in the setting of love and marriage serves a deeper need in the human besides the continuation of their genes.

This person, living with you sharing your most intimate moments, and those which are most ugly to oneself, serving as a means of exposing things which you keep hidden from yourself.

They are a reflection of images you don’t accept are your own.

Perhaps this is where the breakdown in these linkages occur, when you are shown something that you refuse to accept or stubbornly wish to hold on to, in some odd way feeling that it is a part of you. Then you begin to shift blame, to project dark feelings onto this person, as the cause for their existence instead of the catalyst of their unearthing.

Of course baser needs are always at the root of such things, but maybe our brain, endlessly adaptable and always useful and efficient employs the same mechanism to fill our Darwinian needs and our spiritual needs- these occupy a very intricate place in our existence giving a sense of purpose to our actions, driving the search for meaning in our lives something that again could circle back to giving us enough stability to survive while raising offspring.

He bad, you know it

What is this madness?

The same media that mercilessly hounded Michael Jackson, that ridiculed him and contributed to all of the stress and mania in his life is now absolutely “torn apart” by his death
With 24/7 coverage of everything surrounding his untimely demise
Or maybe it’s just that they know the general public is heartbroken, and capitalizing on Jackson’s death is ratings gold

Such class

I really don’t understand why people are so interested in learning every detail of the man's death, his state of health at the time including his weight and the dosages of which prescription drugs he took and tons of other things in this area
I have refused to give any of this coverage my attention so I can’t really elaborate anymore

(and this memorial going on at the staples center is just weird to me, and a little awkward just a bunch of randos standing on stage and singing his songs....they should have just all shut the fuck up and played his music and videos)

Why can’t people just reflect on his talent? Focusing only on the art that he was so devoted to and respectfully leaving his children alone even if they weren’t biologically his
It ain’t yo business sucka so stay out of it

A couple months ago while in Egypt, I listened to some of his older stuff (my bf had tons of his music) and I remember thinking to myself: wow dude, this guy truly is amazing (adding that he just went a little nutso as of late, you can safely say that fame does that to people, and he more than anyone else had to deal with this insane super-intense fame)
But anyway,
No one can touch Michael Jackson at his peak, he was genius and mad cool
Even in Jackson 5 tracks you could hear this blaring voice coming from this tiny little thing, he just had so much soul
And I think his death touched a nerve with people just because he was this milestone in a lot of people’s lives
I think he was one of the first black men that the white community really embraced
White Americans wanted to BE him, they wanted to sing and dance like him, dress like him and do everything he did (except maybe chill with Madonna…blecch)
Everybody wanted to be like Mike
I can’t think of any black man before that time that you could say that about
Of course, after that it was pretty common for white teenagers to run around and pretend to be black

I can’t truly say I feel sad at his passing, it is tragic that his children are now father-less, and that he didn’t get to tour one last time, I think it would have done him a lot of good to get back into performing
But really he was troubled, and he led a difficult existence even as a child


So rest in peace baby, your unquestionable talent will truly be missed

MJ 58-09