It sounds extremely smug but I know I am destined for greatness.

Unfortunately, I am in a constant state of feeling torn.
It’s almost like this dead end that I know is there, and that I have to reach but the question of how is unnerving; looming over my head like a guillotine.

I am uncertain of which path to take, hoping that it will work itself out, or at least reveal itself on its own, because every action I take implies catastrophic consequences.
And I never know if I’ve chosen correctly.

Everything has sailed smoothly thus far.
But I can’t escape the feeling that I am approaching a crossroads,
and some time, very soon, I will have to unveil some kind of strategy; formulate a plan of attack.

It’s exhausting work.
For most of my existence I’ve managed to ignore it and instead immerse myself in corporal pleasures, under the pretext that it makes me happy.

This is perhaps where all of this “party girl” business fits in.
It offends me to be called a “party girl.”
I do not consider myself, by any stretch of the imagination, a Lindsay Lohan clone.
While she has done some things which can universally be classified as “mistakes” I feel like my actions have never been missteps.
Instead, they are pieces of a larger scheme; lessons to prepare me for what is to come.
Everything that normal people would label regretful, I identify as tests: growth.

Which means that I am not a “party girl.”
I am simply an adventurer, picking up little strands of wisdom from varied experiences,
A truth-seeker, lover and warrior if you will.

Even so, I learned in Catholic school that a couple saints used to be quite the big party people themselves
But none of that matters, it even makes them a better saint to have reformed in such a manner
Because maybe when you reach the pinnacle of your existence; the climax of your journey, everything prior to that moment either becomes irrelevant or (hopefully not) of critical importance

If it even is a moment,
maybe the culmination of your life’s journey is a decade, or two
Or maybe it’s your death.

But either way, I know it is not occurring now or anytime soon.
So I feel like right now I’m scrambling to sort everything out, to reach that point

It’s quite stressful dealing with this unexplainable pressure (that has been there since I could remember)

At least Jesus had a sense of some defined course of action.
Granted he knew the time and manner in which his death would occur, but this afforded him the ability to plan accordingly.
Which I view as somewhat of a luxury.
I’d imagine having knowledge of one’s own demise would make everything much more clear,
every decision much more deliberate.

I feel solidarity with the guy, considering we were both born to satisfy a very specific purpose (albeit his is of slightly greater significance, considering he is the son of god and all) but the difference is he knew what his was.
He was briefed on every detail.
To some extent I would like to be as well.
But for now I will just take a page out of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle:
“The universe tends to unfold as it should”