A strange and savage journey....

I keep staring at the little blue flame and the wavy shadows cast by the gas anticipating an explosion, or waiting to pass out from the fumes, or both; a blazing delirious death.
We should all hope to go out in such style

I’d probably be correct in assuming several Mexicans die each year from complications arising from unsafe heaters, most of which would have a blood alcohol content far exceeding the legal driving limit….if there were one.
Yet despite my paranoia, this tentative bomb is my best friend at the moment.
It’s never been this cold in Mexico, as far as I can remember at least.
Which at 20, isn’t very far, compared to dusty relics like Sylvester Stallone.
I like Rocky as much as the next guy but I also like my underdog boxing sagas sans liver spots.
I digress.
I’m in this land of floor to ceiling concrete, Marlboro reds, cheap goods, tactless thieves and lots of good ol’ fashioned debilitating alcoholism.
Despite the deplorable standard of living ignored by corrupt politicians; ah, our favorite cliché so expertly represented within even the lowest posts of Mexican government and society (I defy you to find a department store security guard with unlined pockets). And in spite of the self-celebrating upper tier of the “civilized” demographic, Mexico isn’t far behind the United States, in theory of course.
The minimum wage was raised to $4.50 in 2005, compared to that of the United States ($5.15), it seems reasonable.
But World Bank statistics for 2002 have indicated that one half of the population lives in poverty, while 1/5 lives in extreme poverty.
At the time the population of Mexico was 103.4 million. So, employing my math skills, which refused to improve pass the 9th grade level mind you, (Sidenote: math sucks) that means roughly 51.7 million people lived in poverty and 20 million lived in extreme poverty.
What do these fancy numbers mean?
It would be the same as if the entire state of California and all but a little smidgen of Florida were living in poverty, and all of New York State was ravaged with extreme poverty. But the words “poverty” and “extreme poverty” are open to interpretation.
Our “trusty” source for all things questionable, Wikipedia, defines extreme poverty as: “the most severe state of poverty, where people cannot meet basic needs for survival, such as food, water, clothing, shelter, sanitation, education and health care.”
By World Bank standards, that’s all of New York living on $1 or less, a day.

Those of you who understood my very intelligent discourse above should be disillusioned. Unfortunately, the strip of hotels in the American tourist hotbed of Cancun is most definitely not characteristic of the Mexican standard of living. It’s hard to believe those adorable little brown people happily bringing you your frozen margaritas and braiding your hair go home to dilapidated slums every night while your teenage daughters, contaminated with spring break fever, jiggle for every camera lens within a 2-mile radius.
It’s very easy, almost effortless in fact, to criticize and shake my head sitting here clinking away on my super advanced laptop capable of undertaking hundreds of operations and other kinds of tricks I have no idea about and will never use.

The cost of this fine piece of mechanical thingamabobbers could provide some lucky Mexican with a run-down volkswagen, or to the lucky man or woman residing in a city: transportation to and from thankless, exhausting, employment for a laughable salary.
My young, amiable, exceptionally bright nutritionist cousin sold herself to a very well-known, constantly busy office Monday through Saturday for the staggering price of $90 a week. In my chain restaurant days, I made double that serving fatties their cheese fries on a Friday night.
Or perhaps for the more daring that Volkswagen could also mean a ride to the border in hopes of scaling the fence and getting a taste of the greener grass everyone keeps raving about.

So, what is to be done?

For starters, if the Looney toon running the U.S. recognizes that perhaps there is a very palpable reason for why thousands of Mexicans are jumping ship, perhaps the American public should as well.
Forget the tired: “land of opportunity” crap. That might be the primary draw for those crafty Asians, but Hispanics are desperate, they have no time for enterprise. They want quick money and a school desk to plop their children behind.
As fabulous as the U.S. is, in all its democratic overindulgent glory, immigrants face exploitation and immediate, stinging prejudice, racism, bigotry and all other varieties of hate and ignorance.
And to all of you who take the “deport those sons of bitches” position stand behind the idea that these people are criminals for violating the law and should be ejected from the country. In essence, then, you’re telling me that if all 7 million of those illegal aliens entered the country legally you’d feel just dandy.
Don’t bullshit me. You, sir, are a closet-racist. Which in my opinion are slightly worse then the flat-out racists. At least they have the balls to stand up and openly declare they are douche bags and proud of it.
Just to prove it to you, I present you with this scenario: in December of 2006, as nifty Christmas (or Hanukkah if you will) present, amnesty is granted to the millions of undocumented immigrants currently in the U.S.
Yup, now they’re legal in every way shape and form.
Sit there and tell me that now you accept them.
“Ok, Jose, you’re welcome to join us for dinner now that you’re legal and all.”
I’m willing to bet heavily that you would resent these newly declared citizens and never deign to call them Americans.
Deep within the inner confines of your delusions, you are a racist and need to reevaluate what it is that you do stand for.

Anyway, I am not saying the United States is simply the lesser of two evils; we first must deal with the root of these problems with something more than hopeful, passive diplomacy (which has yet to be employed anyway), or squabbles about the height of a fence (which probably won’t keep them out anyway).
How quickly a nation fearing imminent destruction shipped out our G.I. Joe’s and Jane’s to the Middle East. It’s taken the in pouring of thousands of dirty immigrants to finally make us look down and realize there are shenanigans brewing south of the border. Mexico is within critical proximity to our way of life, and cannot stand to be ignored much longer.
Let us settle this first before looking abroad.
And while we’re at, Africa should be next in line.
Those dirty hippies do have a point: we rushed in to condemn Saddam for his merciless slaughtering, during episodes of mass genocide in other parts of the world.
We want to raise the standard of living for Iraqis and of course, bring them MTV while the bodies of dead children line the dirt paths of Ethiopia.
I am not denouncing Operation Iraqi freedom as any less of a noble cause, in theory of course (despite questionable justifications from the muppet in office, the Middle East is a fucked up place and was begging for an intervention). I doubt as many American lives would have to be sacrificed if we focused on other countries as extensively.

That still leaves us with: what is the precise course of action?
What is to be done?

Damned if I know.
But I do know that I won’t just simply leave this question to Congress and our next president. So I pose it to you.
We are Americans! Our economy, military, and pop culture- as ridiculous and shameful as it is, far surpass every other nation. We are ambitious, brave and completely lovable once you get to know us. At least one of you holds the answer.
Speak up and save us all.
And while you’re at it dream up a safer way for me to heat up this ice cube of a room.